It has dawned on me that I’ve reached a point where my recovery is going nowhere. Since my last day at work, on 6 June 2013, my principal occupation, nay preoccupation, has been to strive to recover a reasonable level of health and functionality. I have treated this as I would have any legal problem: engather and analyse the facts, take expert advice, assess the options, and proceed accordingly. At this point, I feel that the facts are not certain and impossible to establish, and the advice contradictory and confusing. I don’t even know for sure what illness I have: is it ME, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Post Viral Fatigue Syndrome, Dysautonomia, Cardiac abnormalities or an illness that is peculiar only to me? I have no definite idea of its causes, its pathology and thus no certainty about what to do for best.
I spend a lot of time seeking out information and advice. Lately, where I would have found inspiration from a recovery story I feel alarm. Typically, they run along the lines of; I was desperately ill, tried everything, limped along, then finally the key element dropped from the sky and now I’m running a marathon. That key element varies enormously from finding sensitivities to mould, diet change, addition of supplements, to psychological or other lifestyle changes. How do I know what my key element is or even if I have one? I’ve found myself questioning the basics. What does pacing actually mean? What am I meant to do? What about diet? Supplements? Sleep? Attempts at activity? How do I know if I’m doing the right thing for me? Worse, am I doing myself any harm? Have I damaged myself irreparably? I’m wracked with indecision and self-doubt and that can’t be good for me of that I’m certain!
From tomorrow, my boys are on holiday from school for the next 10 days so it seems to me that the time is right for me to take a wee holiday, not from the illness itself (I wish!) but from my job of trying to recover. For the next 10 days I’m going to try to forget that I’m ill at all, put aside all my protocols and act as if we were away in a foreign country, cut off from the normal run of things. What will this look like:
• I’m putting aside my computer as if I was leaving the office. I’ll put on an automatic reply to emails and avoid all electronic contact, including my normal social media lifelines.
• I’m taking off my heart rate monitor.
• I will eat what I want and, with the exception of vitamin D and fish oil, ditch all supplements.
• I’ll sleep as long as I want, when I want, where I want.
• My journal will not record any symptoms, thoughts or ideas about illness or recovery.
• I will banish any thoughts about illness or recovery.
• I will focus on enjoying myself, just as if I was on holiday.
By doing this, I hope to return to my ‘job’ relaxed, renewed, with a metaphorical tan prepared to embark on the next stage of my recovery. I will miss my many online friends meantime but, just as with a normal holiday, I’ll be back with my boring photos and tales of what I got up to.